Gender dysphoria and good sex are not mutually exclusive. For many trans people, feelings of discomfort can be especially intense precisely when we are expected to show up as our most authentic and vulnerable selves. It doesn’t help that sex often requires interacting with anatomy that might be causing us distress at the time. Dirty talk can also be tricky because we have to find language that aligns with our understanding of our bodies — and then communicate those terms to our partners.
But sex can still be a source of pleasure and confidence. It might require some work — and some extra attention to your own needs — but dysphoria is often something that you can successfully navigate before, during, and after sex. them. connected with sex therapists, an erotica author, and an energy educator to learn more about how trans folks can deal with gender dysphoria during sex. Here are 11 of their most useful insights.
If someone tells you not to think about a polar bear, you’ll think about a polar bear. The same principle applies with gender dysphoria during sex. Trying to ignore dysphoric feelings altogether may actually exacerbate them. “A valid first instinct is to try to push it away — to view dysphoria as the enemy of great sex,” says Casey Tanner, sex therapist and owner of Queer Sex Therapy. “However, like most things we tell ourselves not to think about, we end up thinking about dysphoria even more.”
Alex Papale, a doctor of physical therapy, agrees: “I think it can be really easy to just want to figure out how to get rid of dysphoria — let me know if anyone [ever] figures that out — but I’ve personally found that working with it, versus pretending it doesn’t exist, can yield better results.”
At first, then, it’s best to pay attention to dysphoria. “Don’t disregard or ignore the feelings,” trans erotic author Mx. Nillin Lore advises. After you’ve gotten in touch with how you feel, you can work on mitigating dysphoria.
Because dysphoria is often impossible to eliminate altogether — perhaps especially in more intimate settings — it can help to focus on more affirming feelings. “I recommend intentionally shifting attention to a replacement thought, sensation, or object,” says Tanner. “A grounding thought might be a mantra such as ‘I radiate masculinity’ or ‘my anatomy does not determine my gender.’”
On a more bodily level, “tuning into the breath can also be re-regulating,” Tanner advises, as can taking stock of “each of the five senses,” running through everything you’re tasting, smelling, feeling, hearing, and seeing during sex. “A grounding object could be a bracelet, strap-on, or anything that you associate with gender euphoria,” Tanner notes.
Your body is your own. You are under no obligation to start — or continue — a sexual encounter if you are feeling too dysphoric. “Consent must be ongoing, so if feelings of dysphoria are coming up and you want to stop, stop!” says sexuality educator Ericka Hart. “You do not need to keep having sex for fear of the other person’s reaction.”
“Don’t pressure yourself or allow somebody else to pressure you into engaging in any sex that makes you feel uncomfortable or bad about yourself,” Lore agrees.
Papale recommends spending some time writing down sex acts, activities, and forms of intimacy you might want to engage in and then sorting them into “a columned list of either a ‘yes,’ a ‘no,’ or a ‘maybe.’”
“I recommend doing this solo, and having whoever else do their own, and then compare,” says Papale. “Sometimes there can be more pressure to put things in certain categories when someone is doing it with you?”
How do you decide what goes in which column? Papale says that “‘yeses’ are things you want all the time, things that really feel good and get you off.” Anything on the “no” list is “non-negotiable,” Papale explains, “no way do you want these things to happen.”
“‘Maybes’ are a little more nuanced,” adds Papale. “Maybes can be things that you only like to do with certain partners, scenarios, moods, etc. — or [they can be] things you haven’t personally experienced but maybe want to try.”
Making a list isn’t the only preparation you can do on your own; you can also take a hands-on approach. “When alone, get to know your body and how it feels by touching erotic spots and listening to your response and how it sounds,” says Sage Williams, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “Just notice how it makes you feel good. Continue to explore your body and what feels good and what doesn’t.”
After you’ve learned some lessons from solo time, get together with a partner to gather more information about “what feels good and what doesn’t,” Williams advises, recommending that you “take turns touching each other’s bodies to find out what feels good.”
“Make a game out of it,” he recommends. “Incorporate props, videos, cameras, etc. to get comfortable with how your body feels, moves, and sounds, and how all of that feels with your partner.”
As you find things that give you pleasure, try to zero in on the feeling. “If you and your partner can focus on how your sensation feels in your body, you may be able to stay away from the dysphoria that comes to mind,” says Williams.
Part of the reason why dysphoria can crop up in a sexual context is because genitals and other erogenous areas have all sorts of cultural and gendered norms imposed on them. You might be under the impression that there are only certain acceptable ways to touch certain parts.
“We’re socialized to believe that we’re supposed to pleasure bodies differently depending on anatomy,” Tanner observes, “but it’s far more helpful to pleasure bodies differently depending on gender.”
But even if your body doesn’t look or feel how you want it to look, you can still be touched in the way you want to be touched, as Tanner explains: “There’s no reason we have to touch a chest differently simply because it has more tissue. There’s no reason we can’t use a vibrator on a penis or give a hand job to a clitoris.” Society doesn’t get to decide how you get pleasured; you do.
Dysphoria can be especially intense when we’re naked. Fortunately, you don’t have to be in your birthday suit to experience sexual pleasure with a partner.
“Does keeping your clothes on make you feel better?” Lore asks. “Then do that. There are tons of ways to enjoy ‘outercourse’ — such as dry humping, hand jobs, toy usage, and more — that don’t require you to get any more naked than you’re comfortable getting. Does wearing your binder make you feel better? Then keep it on! Using clothing or accessories that feel affirming and empowering is absolutely acceptable.”
Tanner echoes this advice. “Some transmasculine and nonbinary folks prefer to leave a T-shirt on, for example,” they say.
Just because cisgender people use certain words to describe body parts doesn’t mean we have to be so particular. Using more affirming language is easy. You can call your anatomy anything you want — and ask a partner to do the same. We’ve been culturally conditioned to believe that bodies are either male or female, with a vast biological gulf between them, when the reality of human development is more nuanced, as Tanner explains.
“Read up on biological homologues,” they advise. “Many trans folks I work with have found it affirming to know that what we typically delineate as ‘male’ or ‘female’ anatomy is actually more similar than it is different.”
Zel Amanzi, a spirit worker and sacred energy educator, says that often when we talk about experiencing gender dysphoria, “what we’re actually describing is dissociation” — a sensation of removal or detachment from the body that’s meant to protect us from what we would otherwise be feeling.
“To come back into a place of integration, you have to do something that’s grounding,” Amanzi advises, noting that it can be helpful to get back in touch with your senses.
“If you’ve got plants, try gently touching the plants,” they suggest. “Drinking water is a really big one — water automatically communicates to the nervous system that you’re safe and that it’s okay to start processing.”
If you’re feeling panicked or unsafe, Amanzi has another simple piece of advise: “Look from side to side and activate your peripheral vision, because if you’re safe enough to slowly look from side to side, then you can actually begin to take in your environment and know that there’s nothing immediately dangerous.”
Porn isn’t just a tool for pleasure; it can also be educational, especially because most of us grew up with no mention of trans bodies in our school curricula. “If you’re wanting to see how other queer or trans people present themselves, how they interpret looking or feeling ‘sexy,’ and what kinds of sex acts they engage in that are outside of just penetrative sex, then watch queer porn,” Lore advises. “Follow trans adult content creators on Twitter and subscribe to their OnlyFans accounts.” Lore specifically recommends Crash Pad Series as a treasure trove of queer and trans porn.
Additional reporting contributed by Calvin Kasulke.
Get the best of what’s queer. Sign up for them.'s weekly newsletter here.
