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Strap-ons are such a visible symbol of queer sexuality — chances are you’ve seen them on TV or joked about them with friends — yet learning how to use a strap-on is a different story and might feel daunting if you’ve never tried it before. With the seemingly endless styles and variations available at most sex shops, choosing the right one — all while figuring out how to use this classic sex toy with a partner without getting caught in a tangle of straps and buckles — can be a bit confusing.
The great thing about strap-ons is that they’re super versatile, multi-purpose sex toys. Strap-ons can be used for penetrative sex with a partner, solo masturbation sessions, or as a way to feel sexy even when you’re not having sex. Anyone, no matter their gender identity, sexuality, or body shape can use a strap on, though what fits or feels comfortable for one person won’t necessarily work for everyone.
Maybe you’ve been wanting to try a strap-on and don’t know where to start, or you’re curious about whether you and your partner might enjoy using one. With a little practice, the right gear, and communication with your partner, you can find a strap-on that works for you. Whether you’re a top, bottom, or vers, here’s everything you need to know about how to buy, use, and clean your strap-on according to queer sex toy experts.
What is a strap-on?
Most strap-ons usually come with two parts: a harness and a dildo. The dildo is secured to the harness, which can be worn around the pelvis for hands-free penetrative partnered sex, masturbation, or even to help to alleviate gender dysphoria. Some harnesses are designed for people with penises that can accommodate both the person's anatomy and a hollow strap-on if desired. If fussing with a harness isn’t your preference, “strapless” strap-ons can be worn internally and allow for the wearer to penetrate a partner with the longer end of a double-sided dildo.
“When it comes to strap-ons, there are endless options for harness size, style, fabric, or special features, like pockets for a bullet vibe or condoms, as well as dildo size, shape and texture,” Maya, co-founder of Black and trans-owned sex toy company ShopEnby, tells Them.
There are also harnesses designed to be secured to the thighs or face for a partner to ride or grind on the wearer. “These styles are especially useful and important for making strap-on sex more accessible to people with different body types and abilities,” Maya says.
How do I choose and buy a strap-on?
While there are tons of strap-on variations and styles available for anyone in any body, the wide array of options can make finding the right one a little tricky. Prices can also vary, so it can be helpful to take some time to research the options and styles available — like whether you’d like to buy a harness and dildo set or pick them out separately — before you take a trip to your local sex shop. Finding the best strap-on for you can be a process of trial and error, but there are a few things to consider beforehand that help you decide.
Before you get started, think about what makes you feel sexy and comfortable in your body, and let that guide your selection. A leather strap-on harness might be one of the most classic options, but it doesn’t have to be the type of strap you go for. “What style will make you feel hot and in your body? What resonates with your gender?” Maya says. “Maybe a full coverage boxer style is what you need to feel embodied and present during sex. Or maybe something a little more cheeky will do the trick.”
Once you’ve settled on a strap-on style, Unbound co-founder Sarah Jayne recommends measuring your hip, waist, and thigh circumference in order to find the right fit. If you’re able to visit a sex shop in-person, this is a good time to check out the styles and selection available in your size.
“If you're looking online and feel more sizing info is needed to decide, email their customer service to ask for more info,” Jayne tells Them. “No need to feel weird about this at all. Most companies are thrilled to help and want to ensure you get the right fit the first time.”
If you plan on using the dildo for penetrative sex with a partner, Maya recommends sticking with body safe materials like 100% silicone, stainless steel, or glass as a general rule. You’ll also want to make sure to communicate any preferences for size, shape, and texture with each other, so you can find something you’ll both be happy and comfortable using.
“For example, some folks who suffer from vaginismus or folks new to anal play might need something smaller, smoother with less texture, while someone else might need something larger that also vibrates,” Maya says.
Whether you choose a small strap-on, silicone strap-on, vibrating strap-on, or any of the other styles of straps out there, you should always go with what feels most comfortable to you and your partner(s).
How to use a strap on
Adding any kind of new sex toys or hardware can take some advanced planning, and strap-on sex is no exception. Communication is key, so you’ll want to make sure you and your partner are both interested in and excited about adding something like a strap-on to your sex life before you start.
“Talk to your partner(s) about wants and expectations around penetration, what feels good, and any gender affirming language you both might want to say or hear,” Maya says.
While there’s no right or wrong way to learn how to use a strap-on — what feels good to one person might not feel good for another — here are a few tips to help you get started and explore what works for you and your partner.
Once it’s confirmed that you and your partner are both into trying out strap-on play, you’ll want to get familiar and comfortable with how your new equipment fits and feels, especially before you dive in. “Think of strap-ons as a type of gear that you would wear for an activity like rock climbing,” said Jayne. “You may need to adjust the straps a bit, or get comfortable with the actual feeling or sensation of wearing a strap-on before you actually hope to use it.” Practice taking it on and off and get the straps adjusted in a way that feels comfortable for you.
Try setting the mood for your solo session or partnered strap-on sex with some good queer porn. Sites like CrashPad and PinkLabelTV can be a great place to start if you’re looking for gender-inclusive, body-positive content — but don’t feel pressured to recreate what you see on screen. Instead, leave the advanced moves to the pros and let the sexy visuals offer inspiration or start a conversation with your partner about what you might want to try together.
Once you’re up and running, take things slow — it can take some time to get the hang of moving your body in a new way. “Don't feel bad if you don't come out of the gate thrusting like a pro,” Jayne says. “Also, there is no shame in doing some quick stretching before you engage.”
Remember to keep communicating and checking in with your partner once you get going. “Introducing a strap-on can be incredibly fun and affirming,” Jayne tells Them. “It can also introduce new dynamics to existing partnerships, which can be really exciting.” Talk through how it feels for you and your partner, physically and emotionally.
Once you get comfortable with the basic mechanics of strap-on sex, consider adding on some additional toys or strap-on accessories. Try placing a bullet vibe in the harness, or a vibrating c-ring around the base of the dildo. Some accessories, like Enby’s Lippi, can be attached to the base of the dildo for the wearer to rub or grind on.
How do I clean my strap-on?
Cleanliness is key to maintaining the quality, function, and longevity of any sex toy, though the best way to clean both a strap-on harness and dildo depends on the material they’re each made of. A gentle hand-washing with warm soapy water followed by an air-dry usually works best for harness materials like nylon, vinyl, and other fabrics. Other harness materials, like leather, may require more intensive maintenance, so make sure to follow any specific care instructions that might be included, or contact the manufacturer directly for more information on how to maintain your new purchase.
Splash-proof motorized dildos and other non-vibrating harness attachments made of silicone, glass, or stainless steel can also be hand-washed with warm soapy water, and should be cleaned after every use to avoid potential bacterial or yeast infections. “Always sanitize by boiling or using antibacterial toy cleaner when sharing toys between partners, or when a dildo is being used both anally and vaginally,” Maya says.
Once you’ve cleaned the harness and attachments, Maya also recommends storing both in their original packaging or a cloth pouch to keep them clean and dust-free.
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