Thinking is stressful. Lately, I’d rather not do it. So much better to have an empty head or a smooth brain, whichever is easier. My work — and also just my existence as an openly queer person in the United States — requires me to think about so many things, from anti-LGBTQ+ legislation to queerbaiting discourse to Julia Fox’s “gay bone.” And frankly, that’s too much wear and tear on the neurons. I think that explains why I’ve developed a fixation on the movie M3GAN. The film’s pleasures are simple: the creepy doll dances, I smile, I hit play again. No more thoughts, only M3GAN.
To be clear, I can still whip out some SAT vocabulary words when I need to discuss prestige dramas like TÁR with my esteemed colleagues. But once I’m off the clock, I crave the most mindless media possible. I am a simple woman and I just want to see Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy kiss or watch Murray Bartlett rim somebody. Even then, a show like The White Lotus seems to inspire a dangerous amount of think pieces and, as we’ve established, I’m opposed to thinking as a hobby. I want LGBTQ+ movies that are inherently incapable of being thought about in the first place — just the glossiest, most plasticine media that signifies absolutely nothing beyond itself.
If you, too, want to switch your brain off, I have curated an anti-syllabus of queer films that will help you do just that. Remember: Rene Descartes said “I think therefore I am” and he died of pneumonia while tutoring a (possibly) lesbian Swedish queen who hated his guts. Look where all that thinking got him.
The 2000s were a great decade for not thinking. This was a simpler time when grown men saying potty words made Judd Apatow a multi-millionaire. The aughties were also, sadly, very homophobic, with anti-gay slurs getting dropped on screen with alarming frequency. That’s why I love D.E.B.S. The horny lesbian spy comedy has all of the beautiful vacuousness of the worst decade in pop culture history with none of the accompanying prejudice. Do you like women kissing each other? Good. That’s all you need to know. Watch this movie and start ironing out those brain wrinkles.
Even before Cassandra Peterson came out, everything she touched was infused with a campy queer sensibility. Elvira: Mistress of the Dark, her 1988 feature, is no exception. Basically, the large-chested horror hostess has to go to a puritanical American small town to claim her inheritance and the residents end up trying to burn her at the stake. The movie is full of sight gags, dirty jokes, and not-at-all-subtle innuendos. During our current moral panic over drag performance, the movie also has an uncanny resonance. But that sounds dangerously like the start of a think piece, so I’m putting an end to that observation right now.
This will be a controversial choice. There are people who will defend The Family Stone to the death. This 2005 holiday rom-com follows several members of the Stone clan, but at its core, it’s about the family’s hottest son (Dermot Mulroney) bringing home his almost unbelievably inartful girlfriend (Sarah Jessica Parker) for one last Christmas with his mother (Diane Keaton), who is dying of cancer. The film has become something of a Liberal Gay Classic because of a heartfelt monologue Keaton delivers after SJP’s character manages to insult the family’s Deaf gay son (Tyrone Giordano) and his partner (Brian J. White), who are adopting a child. The movie is ridiculous yet eminently watchable schmaltz. It’s like someone programmed an AI to write a screenplay to make PFLAG moms cry.
Notice how all the movies on this list so far are either from the 2000s or the 1980s? Really makes you think about how wonderfully awful those decades were for thinking. This Nightmare on Elm Street sequel is famous for being one of the most flagrantly homoerotic horror films ever made. I mean, it’s not even subtext. If you’re some kind of weirdo who wants to think harder about this very gay movie, you can watch the excellent documentary Scream, Queen! about its star Mark Patton, who was in the closet at the time of filming. (And to get real for a moment, I do recommend it.) But you can also just silence your neurotransmitters and watch Patton close a dresser drawer with his butt mid-dance sequence.
Perhaps controversially, I think Darren Stein’s Jawbreaker is a better teen film than Heathers. Stein’s 2013 riff on the Gay Best Friend trope doesn’t belong anywhere near that conversation but G.B.F. is a lot of fun nevertheless. Don’t worry about the plot. It’s something about a gay kid wanting to out himself to score popularity points, I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. What’s important here are the names. The femme gay boy is named Brent Van Camp. The rich girl is named Fawcett Brooks. The homophobic bigot is named McKenzie Pryce. Plus, the movie features Megan Mullally and Natasha Lyonne in small roles. Enjoy it and don’t worry about all the double crossings at prom.
Look, I’m not entirely opposed to straight actors playing LGBTQ+ characters. It depends on what kind of energy you give off. Cate Blanchett exudes a certain queer aura. I think it’s in her eyes. Hugh Grant? Yes, I can buy it. But other times, to quote Grant’s recent co-star Ben Whishaw, I watch someone play gay and think, “I don’t believe you!” Katherine Heigl, who I actually quite like in 27 Dresses, has the dubious distinction of being perhaps the least believable cinematic lesbian of all time. The 2015 romantic dramedy Jenny’s Wedding centers on a gay woman (Heigl) who comes out to her parents when she decides to marry her partner (Alexis Bledel). It’s a trope-filled story of familial acceptance with beats you can predict miles in advance. But what makes the movie perfect for a brain-dead afternoon is the curious joy of watching Heigl (try to) play gay. Who knows? Perhaps Heigl is queer in real life. But as it stands, with the information that I have in front of me, she strikes me as the most Kinsey Zero woman to have ever walked the face of the earth. Even watching her deliver a line like “I’m gay” feels inherently laughable.
This movie isn’t bad, per se. Formulaic, definitely. A love story about two young people with different socioeconomic backgrounds isn’t exactly quantum science. But The Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls in Love puts a same-sex twist on that recipe, and it’s sweet enough, even if it bears many of the mawkish hallmarks of the era’s lesbian cinema. If anything, watch for the 1990s of it all, like the roller blades and the wired headphones. Who needs a story when you’ve got some floral prints and bad haircuts to look at?
Get the best of what’s queer. Sign up for Them’s weekly newsletter here.
