Bowen Yang and Matt Rogers Speed Date Each Other

Do you suck toes.

There's nothing like putting a toe in your mouth,

and both simultaneously looking at each other's eyes

and realizing it's not for you at the same time.

[energetic electronic electronic]

[Announcer] Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang,

you are about to speed date each other.

You will ask each other first date questions

until you're asked to stop.

You'll be given 90 seconds each round to do so.

You must be completely honest with each other.

Good luck.

This will be the first time

where we're really, truly honest.

[Bowen laughs]

Oh, hello. Thank you so much.

Them. Thank you, Them.

I love this restaurant, by the way.

Yeah, it's really good. I've been hearing about it.

Five stars! Five stars.

Would you let your pet stay in the room,

I'm just reading what's on the card, while you're shagging.

I have had a pet in the bed with me while I was shagging.

You know which pet. Which pet, Bailey?

Jane. Jane!

She was doing this. [Bowen laughs]

The dog was sitting on the edge of the bed just like.

Judging, or was it turned on?

I think because the animal wasn't mine.

It was my boyfriend at the time, I think she was like,

you're fuckin' my man.

You're fuckin' my daddy. You're fuckin' my daddy!

And, I'm right here, girl. I could see it all.

I haven't been fed in six days.

But, I was eating. Ooh!

Period. Period.

Oh, he's gonna hate this.

Okay, rank my exes without naming names.

[gasps] I'm gonna say that there are three.

There's three.

In last place is a guy who I really did not.

Stop!

Did not care for. It's fine.

And then, oh my God, I haven't seen him in a while,

but I love him so much.

But, I'm gonna say, this one.

Yeah.

This is a saxophone.

It looks like a big dick.

No, this is a saxophone. Not, no.

Not no though.

And, then is the, is number one?

Number one. Beloved?

Our beloved. Describe him.

He's got curly hair. Yes.

A very talented director, he's so funny.

He's the most hyperbolic individual.

He says any song that he listens to,

he says is the best song of all time.

Yeah, and he loves Taylor. And, he loves Taylor.

And, we forgive the one that's on the bottom too.

We forgive.

We, sure. We forgive, we forget.

[Both] But we never let it go!

Taylor Swift.

[energetic electronic music]

Rank Taylor Swift's eras.

This is gonna take it the whole 90 seconds.

It sure will. I'll go in backwards order.

This is hot. Debut.

You know, she was just a hundred percent,

she was just intro introducing herself.

I think she would agree.

I don't love the Speak Now era.

Fair. Lover.

Yeah. I have listened to, revisited it. It's phenomenal.

Then I'm gonna say. More on that later.

Fearless. Fearless. Good.

Then I'm gonna say Red.

No!

You're ranking Midnights over Red?

No, no, no.

This is why you shouldn't have gone backwards.

Then I'm gonna do Midnights.

Okay.

Then I'm gonna do Evermore.

Yeah, well.

Then I'm gonna do Red.

Okay.

Then I'm gonna do Folklore.

Then I'm gonna do rep, number one is Reputation.

Number one is Reputation.

[Bowen] Yeah. This is gonna work out.

Who is your favorite Real Housewife of all time?

Of all time? Yeah.

Of all time? It's really hard.

Dolores Catania. Dolores?

Yeah, from New Jersey. Why?

I did not expect you to say that.

When I watch her, she takes me home.

But, does she fulfill the superlative of best?

Oh, I guess it's favorite. I'm sorry.

It's favorite. You know what I mean?

It's about personal taste.

That's just, when you said your Taylor Swift eras,

I didn't say one thing.

You raised your eyebrow a couple times.

Just, and you raised your voice.

When I said, Dolores Catania.

Okay. Do an impression of me for all to see.

[gasps] Bowen Yang is like, All right, okay.

He's sort of like, Bowen Yang is, Bowen Yang. Bowen Yang.

Like, he's Yang.

Like, he likes a hard A.

Sometimes, like, you put a little bit of,

you have a little bit of a lisp.

Uh-huh. Yeah, I don't notice my lisp. But then.

Yeah, I don't notice my lisp.

[energetic electronic music]

Biggest red flag you let pass because someone was hot.

One time I hooked up with someone,

and after I hooked up with them,

they said, can we take a selfie?

I've had that happen to me before the hookup.

And, I was like. Hot and horny.

If I say no, then is it, does it make it weird?

But, then if, but then him asking makes it weird

no matter what.

Maybe, he has a humiliation kink,

and he wanted you to say.

Fuck off! No, fucking idiot.

Loser, idiot. You're a loser.

And then you guys have passionate love making,

which is what every grinder hookup is.

[Both] Passionate love making.

Do you suck toes?

You know what, I'm gonna be honest.

I was hooking up with someone during the pandemic,

and I went to put their toe in my mouth.

And, there's nothing like putting a toe in your mouth,

and re both simultaneously looking at each other's eyes

and realizing it's not for you at the same time.

Because I don't yuck any yums, but I won't be sucking those.

If we dated IRL, woo! Perish the thought.

What's something I do that would get on your nerves?

Bowen has this thing where he, when he calls an Uber

or a Lyft, he runs into the street to wave it down.

And I'm, it just drives me crazy 'cause I'm like,

He knows where we are, he's gonna pull over.

But, Bowen likes to.

Some of these drivers don't know where we are.

I understand.

But you have to give them benefit of the doubt.

Just because when it comes to traffic,

I don't like to see you run into traffic.

And, I can tell you that if we were dating,

this would drive me nuts!

[distorted electronic music]

F, Mary, kill, the Grinch, Scrooge, and Santa.

F the Grinch.

For sure.

Because there's a song that you sang

called The Hottest Female up in Whoville.

Yes. It's sort of about that.

Marry Santa. Rich.

'Cause he has his own business.

Access to the world. He only travels once a year.

Every other night he's with me.

A hundred percent, girl.

And then kill Scrooge, 'cause he like,

This is the thing about A Christmas Carol.

Not a guarantee that, like,

he's like a changed man after that.

He probably goes right back to being a fucking asshole.

'Cause, people don't change.

People don't change.

Choose one. Okay.

All I Want for Christmas is You, by Mariah Carey.

Okay.

Underneath the Tree, by Kelly Clarkson.

Sure.

Santa, Tell Me, Ariana Grande.

There's like one answer here.

Right.

Which is, All I Want for Christmas is You, by Mariah.

But, I'll say, because I feel like that song

has had its cultural moment,

I'm gonna choose Underneath the Tree, by Kelly Clarkson.

It's very hard to, but you said choose one,

and so therefore I have to say,

I'm gonna give it to my girl, Kelly, Underneath the Tree,

just because I feel like it deserves to level up.

Yeah, great answer.

Do I give Elf, Santa, or reindeer?

Ooh, this is a great question.

I'm gonna say you give reindeer, Rudolph.

[gasps] Are you dragging my nose?

I'm not dragging your nose.

Well, then, how, why am I like Rudolph?

Not like, the other ones. Because, you're the star.

Oh, that's so kind.

You think I'm just dragging your nose?

He was a huge star! He definitely became a star.

Well, I think what Rudolph didn't understand

in the very beginning,

is that what makes you different makes you special.

Yeah.

And, I think that I want to thank you for saying that,

because for so many years in my life

I didn't understand that all the ways in which I'm different

is the ways in which I'm special.

[bright electronic music]

[Director] How was your date?

It was good.

I think it went really well. He seems really nice.

We didn't eat anything,

so I think the circumstances were also a little bizarre.

So, the restaurant sucked.

He really was able to fill that sort of void of no food

and no cocktails, with a lot of personality.

He was definitely really cute.

He made me do a lot of emotional labor,

and like rank Taylor Swift eras.

When he said that Midnights was better than Red.

I was like, check please.

It was a huge turnoff

that he couldn't do an impression of me.

Bowen Yang, Bowen Yang. Like, he's Yang.

He doesn't have an understanding of my essence,

and I'm hurt.

[Matt laughs]

He was immediately critical of my love for Dolores Catania

and even raised his voice.

And, we were in a restaurant.

Dolores Catania. Dolores?

[Dolores in slow motion]

The way that he was so nasty to me, was a big turn on.

On a scale of one to 10, I would give it a 7.4.

So, you can't round it up to an eight.

I would give it 10.4.

You can round it down to a 10.

[energetic electronic music]