You already know that there are myriad ways one can express their sexuality and gender identity. That applies to the level of sexual attraction you feel towards others, too — and asexuality, as this spectrum of sexuality is broadly known, proves that when it comes to sex, things aren't always simple.
Being asexual means that you generally do not experiencing sexual attraction to others or want to act on sexual desires or fantasies, according to the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN). Importantly, this isn’t the same as celibacy, which is the decision to abstain from sex.
“Asexuality refers to someone who experiences very little or no sexual attraction to people of any gender,” Chris Grant, a British Association for Counseling and Psychotherapy integrative counselor and psychotherapist told them. “It specifically refers to sexual attraction. This is because someone who is asexual may very well experience aesthetic or romantic attraction, but not sexual attraction.”
Like many other sexual labels within the LGBTQ+ community, asexuality is an umbrella term that describes a diverse “ace” spectrum of identities. They each may have differing levels of sexual attraction, like demisexuals, who typically need an emotional connection before feeling sexual desire, or graysexuals, who experience diminished amounts of sexual attraction rather than none at all.
As with any sexual identity, there is no single way to be asexual or experience asexuality. Read on to learn more about how asexual people experience love, sex, and relationships across the ace spectrum, according to sex educators and members of the community themselves.
What is asexuality?
Asexuality is a broad label that encompasses a number of sexual identities. While being asexual means you might not be sexually attracted to others, that doesn’t mean that people on the ace spectrum don’t have romantic relationships. Like any sexual label, it isn’t black and white.
“To be asexual is to not experience sexual attraction or a desire for sex, or to experience a desire for sex to a lesser degree than other people,” Tara Lombardo, director of the Institute of Human Identity, told them. “But I've had ace clients who have crushes, who want relationships, desire closeness, or have a platonic friendship that has all of the themes of a romantic relationship but without sex. In fact, the pressure to connect in that way can influence your relationships.”
According to research published by the Williams Institute at UCLA, 1.7% of adults in the U.S who identify as a sexual minority are asexual. More than a third said they were sexually attracted to others in certain situations, and 59% reported being in a romantic relationship.
According to Chris Grant, people who are asexual might feel partial sexual attraction to some others under certain circumstances, or might explore romantic relationships without sex or sexual relationships with no romantic ties. Feelings may also change over time.
Grant said this is often described as the ace spectrum.
“Our identities exist beyond any binary thinking and categories. Many of us refer to this as a spectrum, but it's important to remember that the spectrum is not a straight line but a 360-degree universe of possibility,” said Grant. “For anyone out there beginning to explore or question their identity, pay attention to where you are being binary in your thinking; let your curiosity lead you beyond these limiting categories; and be kind to yourself.”
There are several identities that fall along the ace spectrum to describe these variations. Demisexual people can generally only develop sexual attraction to someone after having an emotional bond with them. Fraysexual people find it easier to build a sexual bond with people they don’t have an emotional connection with. Graysexuality describes a community of people who don’t necessarily feel seen in traditional ideas of asexuality.
Lombardo says these identities don’t have to be fixed.
“None of us are one thing at all times,” she said. “But now we have the language to describe what we are and we are the owners of that language.”
Can asexual people have romantic and sexual relationships?
Kat Flores is an asexual artist and illustrator based in Port Chester, New York. They first started to explore asexuality in their work online in 2014. “I don't quite remember how I learned about Ace Awareness Week, but I think I might have followed asexual blogs on Tumblr posting about it and I thought it would be a great way to share some of my thoughts in a visual format,” they told them.
Their following grew and their page became a space to educate others about and celebrate ace identities. For Flores, sharing their work is about “help[ing] ace spectrum individuals not feel alone in their experience and let them know that this is a normal and shared experience.” They want to dispel the stigma that ace people “lack love, emotion, or feelings.”
There is a common misconception that asexual people don’t experience the feelings of love or romance from or towards romantic partners. But being asexual doesn’t close you off from supportive relationships.
“Love is something that is experienced in different ways by different people,” they said. “Love is not just romantic or sexual.”
Flores said they find people are often can't accept that some people do not experience sexual attraction because they do not relate to it.
“Lack of understanding can cause people to invalidate ace spec individuals, maybe not even intentionally, but this can feel invalidating and cause harm and self-doubt,” Flores said.
What’s the difference between being asexual and aromantic?
The Asexual Visibility Education Network explains that asexual people may experience an attraction that’s physical or aesthetic, sensual, or romantic. However, that attraction may not lead to the desire to be sexually intimate with that person.
Willa is 28 years old and lives in San Francisco with her long-term girlfriend. She came out as asexual six years ago. “As soon as you tell someone you’re ace, it’s like they feel it’s a free pass to ask you intimate details about your love life. I’ve had co-workers ask how I can have a girlfriend if I’m ace. I’ve had family ask if I’ve had sex,” she said. “The simplest way I can describe it is love doesn’t equal sex.”
Willa explains that one of the biggest misconceptions she’s come up against is the belief that if you’re asexual you don’t enjoy physical intimacy.
“I enjoy a cuddle as much as the next person. There are so many ways I shower my partner with love,” she said. “However, this ingrained belief that you can’t show or receive love without sex held me back for a very long time. I believed I couldn’t be loved and didn’t deserve love unless I engaged in sex that I had no desire for.”
Taylor is 30 years old and aromantic. They define this as “having all the desires to be close with someone but not feeling the need or desire to have a romantic connection.” This differs from alloromanticism – the longing to find romantic love and closeness.
“I think one thing that shocks people the most when I explain that I’m aromantic is that I date. I find the connections that I desire,” Taylor said. “However, in the past, friends have asked if I don’t want a romantic relationship because I’ve been hurt or because I'm scared of rejection. Aromanticism completely challenges everything you’re told when you’re growing up and it takes time to realize that it’s okay not to want a relationship and you’re more than enough as you are.”
It’s important to note that asexuality and aromanticism aren’t the same thing, but some asexual people may also be aromantic. Though more research needs to be conducted in this area, a 2020 study found 25% of asexual people said they are also aromantic.
What does the asexual pride flag look like?
Like all LGBTQ+ pride flags, the asexual flag was created to raise awareness about ace people and make it easier for community members to show off their pride. According to the AVEN, the latest iteration of the asexual flag was created in 2010.
The flag is made up of four stripes from top to bottom: black, gray, white, and purple. According to Grand Rapids Pride, the black stripe represents asexuality, the gray stripe represents the nuance of the ace spectrum, the white stripe represents sexuality, and the purple stripe represents community.
How to come out as asexual
Exploring your sexual identity can feel daunting. But surrounding yourself with a community of people who understand you and support you may make you feel more visible, Lombardo explained. She said you can find this in the ace community online, through platforms like Instagram and TikTok, or through an LGBTQ+ therapist.
“I would encourage people to think of coming out as a declaration, not a confession. Energetically declare and take up the space that is yours,” Lombardo said. “The idea of ‘coming out’ always feels like you’re waiting for a person's reaction. But someone might really see you and validate your identity.”
Grant said that there’s absolutely no obligation to come out if it doesn’t feel right to you. “Don't feel pressured to come out or share that part of yourself unless you want to invite that person in,” they say. “That invitation is a privilege and is yours alone to give.”
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