U-Hauling is a lesbian cliche for good reason. You meet someone and it just happens. The two of you form an instant, overwhelming connection via the mysterious alchemy of attraction. Your first date lasts for three days, and your second stretches out into two weeks. You love sharing brains, bodies, and breathing space. You’re happiest in each other’s presence, and you never ever want to be apart. When you separate for the first time since meeting, it’s for a pre-scheduled weekend trip. But being away from your newfound other half for two days feels agonizing, and that experience seals your decision: They took such excellent care of your plants and pets while you were away that you just know they’ll make a perfect life partner.
Now, you’ve been together for a month, and rent isn’t getting any cheaper. Why wait? It’s time to pack up that signature U-Haul moving van and turn your burgeoning sapphic relationship into a full-on domestic commitment! Maybe this is destiny and the two of you will live happily ever after. Maybe it’s a starry-eyed, star-crossed disaster fated to end in doom. Either way, the rest of us cannot interfere because U-Hauling is a queer canon event. Maybe this will work out well, or maybe it will be the worst experience of your life. Either way, it’s happening, you can’t fight it, and you’ll learn a lot from moving in with someone before knowing their middle name.
Read on to consider some unconventional recommendations for your very own U-Haul partner, not based on long-term relationship success, per se, but based on how the move will go and what you’ll take away from it. And if you really want to make it last, I’ll also include some words of caution. Good luck out there, and don’t call me to help you move twice in three months.
Gemini and Sagittarius
Together, this couple exudes such an immense magnitude of charm that it’s probably visible from outer space. Gemini’s friends were delighted with Sag upon first meeting, and Sagittarius’ friend’s likewise adored Gem. Approving nods were made all around. Social media acquaintanceships were initiated! Perhaps the immortal phrase was even uttered: “I don’t think I’ve ever seen them this happy before.” Then quite suddenly, Gemini and Sagittarius gleefully announce that they intend to start cohabitating… immediately! WTF! The friends are now stressed. This is an objectively bad idea! Neither of these signs have ever expressed a flicker of interest in a commitment they can’t exit within less than 10 seconds, and now they’re trying to sign a lease together?!
Externally, this pairing looks like a fiery U-Haul wreck just waiting to happen. Fresh lifelong friendships are forged between supporting characters while members of each sign’s chosen family plan to beg Gemini and Sagittarius to abandon their imminent move and give the relationship some time first. Rifts inevitably develop when both naïve and jaded loved ones get cold feet over participating in an “emergency rescue” effort. The drama of the announcement is enough to fuel an entire reality TV season’s worth of friend-group drama. Meanwhile, Gemini and Sagittarius usually remain blithely unaware of these schemes to dissuade them from shacking up. If they do catch a clue, it only strengthens their resolve to see their U-Hauling plans to completion.
See, the key to a Gemini/Sagittarius U-Haul is that neither of them view it as a “commitment” of the sort they’ve always feared. They don’t see moving in together as something that locks them down and limits their freedom. In Gem and Sag’s minds, they are running away from everything else, together! And ya know, you’ve kind of got to hand it to them there. If they can manage to create a safe space of escape in which to exist with each other, this couple will survive anything.
The danger with this pairing emerges if one party hogs the couple’s joint allotment of flakiness to such an extent that they force the other into an unnatural position of responsibility. This sort of selfishness incites resentment, and rightfully so! Friends have all witnessed the explosive end of this unbalanced relationship model, which is why they’re afraid. But if Gemini and Sagittarius maintain separate bank accounts and set up automatic bill payments at the time of move-in, they really do stand a shockingly good chance of sticking it out long enough to make everyone else swallow their doubt.
Virgo and Scorpio
The attraction between Virgo and Scorpio is obvious: They’re all a bunch of kinky perfectionists! The Virgo/Scorpio urge to U-Haul together is slightly less understandable to outside observers, due to both signs’ determination to project an aura of invulnerability. Behind closed doors, both Virgo and Scorpio suffer from a chronic, pervasive fear that they are unworthy of love and commitment. When they finally find a taste of the attachment they’ve secretly been craving, Virg and Scorp damn near trip over themselves in their haste to lock it down.
This U-Haul can work out well, because hello, compatibility! (Kinky perfectionists, remember.) This pairing can also perish in the most excruciatingly toxic horror movie ending imaginable, because hello, incompatibility! (Once again, kinky perfectionists.)
Security in an accelerated Virgo/Scorpio move-in hinges on immediately establishing and enforcing some truly honest, ironclad boundaries. Moving tasks will be carried out effectively of course, because duh, look at who’s handling them! But combining spaces may be difficult for two inflexible control freaks who both believe that they know best at all times in any given situation. Unfortunately, Virgo and Scorpio both have the capacity to transform into the most passive-aggressive person on the face of the planet when they are upset, but attempting not to offend. If they’re not careful, they’ll accidentally gaslight each other to the point of madness while trying to arrange a bookshelf without openly speaking up about where they want stuff to go.
If Virgo and Scorpio can channel their structured, sincere style of sexual communication into discussing the mundane matters of daily life, this U-Haul can turn into a lifetime together. If not, both parties are likely to be traumatized by their attempt at cohabitation for the remainder of their days.
Libra and Pisces
“Libra+Pisces” sounds like a mysterious no-label band at the local dive venue, who somehow manage to pull off cinematically professional-lookin’ costume, lighting, and sound quality set-up on a budget of two used shoelaces and a chewed stick of gum. None of it seems like it should work, but it does. How?! Really, how did they do that? Their Instagram profile is either nonexistent, or so magnificently aesthetically superior to anything else you’ve ever seen that you can’t fathom how it has possibly accrued only 847 followers in the span of seven years. (Often their online presence is both non-existent or overwhelmingly aesthetically magnificent, in alternating time periods that never discernibly align with larger world events.)
This is the aura of a successful Libra/Pisces U-Haul. No one else can fathom how they do, and they don’t give out trade secrets! If you flat-out ask them, they just twinkle at you and then like, evanesce away into a state of unattainability.
Here’s my best guess: Libra and Pisces are both emotionally intense individuals who are never dishonest about their true nature, but present a somewhat curated appearance to the larger world in order to protect the sensitives selves at their core. They definitely have their problems, and they certainly feel them. They don’t try to hide the reality of their struggles from others — they’re not secretive, necessarily, like Virgo and Scorpio — but they communicate the truth of their experiences through various forms of artistic expression. Libra and Pisces write long essays, and take nude self portraits in the woods, and perform devastating ballads at karaoke. That’s how they talk to the world at large, and probably also to each other. Who knows what they’re up to in the privacy of their own home together? Probably a series of interpretive dance battles to work out petty arguments!
If one of the partners is made to feel stifled in favor of the other’s self-expression, they might as well not even bother unpacking their U-Haul van. But if Libra and Pisces can align their individual vibes to communicate effectively with each other and present a united front to the outside world, they’re probably ready to handle the indignity of regularly picking each other’s socks up off the floor.
Capricorn and Taurus
In the time it takes you to read this sentence, Capricorn and Taurus have packed up all of their stuff, sold their least favorite pieces of duplicate furniture on Facebook Marketplace, and moved in together. They are currently responsibly introducing their cats through a closed door, and organizing their respective work spaces. They are already fantasizing about acquiring rocking chairs; they can’t wait to retire and spend their mornings sitting on the porch in companionable silence. In the meantime, both Capricorn and Taurus are working so much that they may barely ever get a chance to talk to each other during the day, hence the appeal of moving in and sharing sleeping space, for closeness.
To an external observer, a Capricorn and Taurus U-Haul might seem lightning-fast. In actuality, their “sudden” relationship progresses at a much slower burn than most of the signs. When they’re finally ready, they move rapidly, but they only do so upon the foundation of a carefully established edifice of trust. Before the U-Haul rental, Cap and Taurus have privately been yapping it up like a couple of Geminis. They’ve sent each other epistles worth of emails, like old-time lesbians writing candle-lit letters of forbidden love in a period film. They are both quite practical in most respects, so they want to make sure they can truly get along before they make any sudden moves. By the time they pick a place to join households, they’ve long since ironed out any issues regarding politics, religion, family relationships, and flossing habits. This is a double-earth sign relationship, so they will never allow any Big Bad Wolf a chance to blow down a house of straw around their heads. They build up their castle brick by brick with tidy lines of mortar. They just do it fast, because they’re busy people. They don’t have a lot of time to waste!
However, Capricorn and Taurus’s individual dedication to independence may put the brakes on this U-Haul before it ever pulls out of the lot. Both are incredibly stubborn, and both treasure their autonomy and alone time. If one or both of the pair decide that they prefer solitude to the interpersonal compromise necessary to facilitate cohabitation, they simply won’t bother.
Aries and Aquarius
This pairing sounds unconventional, but just think about it for a moment. Of all the signs, Aquarius is least likely to U-Haul. They are independent, uncompromising, and avoidant of circumstances that require them to prioritize other people’s fickle feelings over objective rationality. It’s not that Aquarius won’t fall in love. Sometimes they can manage to become overwhelmed with adoration in the space of an eye blink! It’s just that they’re typically in no huge rush to merge living spaces and agree to every-night co-sleeping. Aquarians would be happy to get married and keep maintaining two separate households in perpetuity; they are an Everest-level challenge to any other sign who wishes to establish immediate domestic intimacy.
Who else but Aries has the brash audacity to even think of asking an Aquarius to move in after a month of romance? And Aries can be awfully convincing, even (or especially?) when a task seems impossible. Aries is assertive enough to set U-Haul wheels in motion while simultaneously recognizing the need to preserve the sanctity of Aquarius’ mental space. Aquarius is amazed to see the move take place around them, for the most part. They only have to verbally confirm a handful of agreements, pack their own underwear drawer, and maybe carry a houseplant or two, then boom! It’s done.
While Aquarius daydreamed about the best way to set up their projector screen in a new space, Aries jetted around and made all of the unpleasant parts of moving happen so fast that Aquarius barely noticed. Aries probably even ensured a set-up with two sinks — hell, maybe even two separate bathrooms all together! — to keep Aquarius comfortable and happy. Aries might not fully understand the workings of their Aquarian’s mind (no one does, not even Aquarius themself), but Aries knows how to care for their beloved Aquarius, nonetheless.
Like every human relationship, this rare and enviable collaboration depends upon a certain amount of compromise. Aries and Aquarius both hate to compromise, so a successful Aries/Aquarius partnership requires a mutual effort to accommodate each other’s totality of self. It’s sort of like kids in a sandbox engaging in parallel play: Aries and Aquarius both do their own thing at all times, they just do it in close proximity to one another, beside each other and together. A functional Aries/Aquarius relationship is truly a beautiful thing to behold! But if Aries pushes too hard, or Aquarius pulls away too hastily, their shared kingdom can fracture to dust in a terrible eruption of contention.
Cancer and Leo
Hear me out. This pairing is bizarrely elite at moving in together, probably the best moving-in match-up of the whole zodiac. Somebody needs to research available listings? Cancer. Somebody needs to turn on the charm for realtors and rental companies? Leo. Somebody needs to keep an eye on the budget? Cancer. Somebody needs to insist on a desirable location and access to amenities? Leo. Somebody needs to support Leo through the ordeal of sorting and packing all of their belongings? Clearly Cancer. Somebody needs to hold exhausted Cancer in their arms and confidently assure them that even though they are tired, everything will, indeed, turn out even better than okay? Obviously Leo!
I could go on — and in fact, I will! Somebody needs to buy fresh flowers and arrange them in a vase? Cancer! And somebody needs to rave about their partner’s unbelievably excellent taste? Leo. OK, I'm finished!
Basically, Cancer and Leo have each other’s weaknesses covered, and their strengths are complementary. Together, they can take on any challenge! With their powers combined, Cancer and Leo can overcome the myriad inconveniences of moving and stand triumphant in a combined welter of cardboard boxes.
The biggest hurdle to this couple’s happiness is the problem of getting together in the first place. If Cancer and Leo don’t U-Haul immediately upon feeling their very first flicker of mutual attraction, they’re liable to establish a platonic pattern and fail to ever even consider each other as a romantic option. They could actually even end up U-Hauling without U-Hauling together, if you catch my drift, and become just-friends roommates. (“Oh my god, they were roommates!”)
The other great danger to Cancer and Leo’s romantic domestic bliss is, most tragically, the establishment of peace and contentment. In the absence of a shared obstacle upon which they can jointly focus their disparate energies, Cancer and Leo are likely to become irritated by each other’s methods of moving through life. To maintain the magic, they need to perpetually stay a little mad at the world together.
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