You have a hot date lined up, but you’re a little nervous. You know your favorite date spot will be a hit, and you’re always charming. But you’re worried about having great sex. We’ve all been there.
You want to make sure your partner has a great time, you want to have a great time, and you’re looking for tips. Maybe this is your first time hooking up with a trans woman, maybe not. Maybe you’re a cis lesbian looking for ways to make sure your partner is comfortable, or a trans person exploring T4T sex for the first time. Whoever you are, we’re here to give you advice on making your partner feel happy and safe. And, as a queer t-girl myself — who writes quite a lot about how to have great sex, mind you — I know some of you out there could really stand to learn how to make everything a little bit better for us the first time we hook up. Maybe we can even dodge some awkward conversations and sex that leaves me feeling weird; I know I’d appreciate it, and hopefully you would too.
Either way we’ve got you covered with a plethora of advice from trans women about how to have great sex. We all want to have a great experience, and so we’re here to let you know things that will make everything more comfortable, more pleasurable, and great for everybody. Afterall, what else is life for, if not transgender sex?
Before we get into these tips we have to respect the greats, so make sure to read the wonderful Mira Bellwether’s Fucking Trans Women. This groundbreaking zine crowd sourced a ton of information about trans women’s desires, wants, and sexuality. It’s another fantastic resource — not to mention, an important piece of modern history — everyone should look into. In order to supplement existing resources, we asked a variety of trans women and trans femmes of various sexualities and identities about what they wish their intimate partners knew before hooking up.
Talk with your partner
Let’s cover some basic ground. Every single person in the world is different, and so these tips might not be right for everybody. Get on the same page as your partner before engaging in intimacy and figure out what they like. Ask them questions about how they want to be talked to, how they want to be touched.
“It’d be nice to be asked more about how I like to be held,” Stella tells Them. “Honestly, I can’t think of anything I don’t want to be asked about sex.”
Every single person you hook up with is going to like and want different things, and while it’s easy to get wrapped up in the heat of the moment, always feel free to check in during sex, especially if you’re unsure. The easiest way to know what your partner wants is to ask them, and you can do it in a flirty way!
Drop your expectations
That’s right, people are unique regardless of any categories they fit into. Just because the person you’re hooking up with is a trans woman doesn’t mean she’ll always want to be docile and subordinate, or even feminine — even if she’s a bottom. The person in front of you is a complete individual with their own wants and needs, so be open to them!
I’ve often hooked up with people who expect me to be into certain things immediately, either thinking that I’d be ready to penetrate them (sometimes) or want to take strap on the first date (also sometimes). But I’m not always looking to top someone, and taking strap can require a lot of prep. I’ve had hookups where people have been so eager to penetrate that it ends up hurting me! Which isn’t good for anyone. Personally, I love when people use their hands and mouths more than anything else, so go slow, feel it out, and remember to simply ask if you’re not sure. Sometimes I’m just looking to get fingered — and we can take it from there.
Intimacy doesn’t need to be penis centric
Hooking up doesn’t always need to be focused on touching the other person’s genitalia, no matter the gender of your partner. Not every girl wants their penis (or “girl dick,” or “clit,” or any of the other range of names they prefer) touched the first time they hook up with someone, and some women don’t want it at all — and it’s not just a dysphoria thing.
“I feel like once the undies come off, that’s where most of my partners’ focus will go on my body, and [...] it’s not that dysphoric, but it’s not the only place I can and want to feel things on,” Jolene, 35, tells Them. “I also would love partners to know that an erection isn’t my main source of arousal — I feel like a lot of people subconsciously see a penis and assume it works like all the masculine ones they think of.”
You can have plenty of great sex without your partner having an erection, and it’s important to not have a specific idea of what you think sex should be. Not to mention, the effects of hormone replacement therapy (HRT) can readjust a woman’s experience and relationship with sex, as well as their libido, so don’t take it personally if the t-girl you’ve been seeing has a lower or unpredictable sex drive.
Sex is about the whole act, not an orgasm
Some of the best sex I’ve had hasn’t involved me orgasming. I have so much fun engaging in fantasy play, licking each other, or even bottoming without ever cumming. Take pressure off that one moment by thinking about orgasms as a “nice to have” rather than a goal or end point. (This is good sex advice for everyone, not just trans people!) It’s especially prevalent when it comes to trans people given the sometimes elusive nature of our abilities to cum, and the physical changes to orgasms and pleasure that HRT can cause. Erotic pleasure can change markedly — some girls no longer ejaculate, and others don’t experience a defined orgasm at all. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t enjoying sex, it just changes the flow of the experience. If you’re going to get me riled up, I’d never say no to an orgasm, but it’s not always my focus.
There’s plenty of ways I love to be touched that aren’t going to bring me to climax, whether it’s getting my thighs bitten or my stomach licked or engaging in impact play, I can have a lot of fun without any focus on the classic erogenous zones, and I love for me and my partner to have fun together. You can have a “release” without achieving orgasm. Just because I don’t cum doesn’t mean I had a bad time, and that’s true for more folks than just me.
Think less about “topping” or “bottoming”
It can be really easy to get wrapped up in the idea of gay-mandated sexual roles and structure, but trans people are complex and hard to categorize. Try not to go into sex expecting that everything will play out along strict lines. For example, even if someone identifies as a top, that doesn’t mean that they’ll engage with the term the same way other tops you’ve been intimate with have.
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“Don’t expect that a trans woman who identifies as a top will want to penetrate you with her penis, or have it involved in sex at all,” says Jasper, 24. Trans women often experience genital dysphoria, and don’t want anything to do with their penis, even with an intimate partner. Or they might not experience pleasure from penetration with their penis for other reasons, like HRT changing how erogenous zones work for them. But they might still want to penetrate you using their fingers, mouths, or a strap on, depending on how they like to have sex.
Want an easy way to figure out what your partner wants from sex without relying on roles? Again, try asking them! As we’ve established throughout this guide, conversation is key and asking your partner is the best way to find out what feels hot to them.
Spend less time worrying about what might make your partner dysphoric, and more time asking them what they find hot
Nobody wants to make their intimate partner uncomfortable, but acting anxious or like you’re walking around on eggshells isn’t fun for anyone either. As trans people, dysphoria makes it easy for us to get into our heads during sex — so lean into intuition and pleasure. Think about what you find hot about your partner, and what they find hot about themselves. Don’t forget to talk about your own preferences. You don’t want to put so much focus on your partner that they’re uncomfortable.
“Ask if there’s anything that will make me feel hot!” Moss, 26, tells Them. “I’ve spent so much wasted time convincing cis girls, and other trans people, that I love my body, including my clit, and they don’t need to apologize for liking it too.”
If you want to hook up with trans women, you should respect them, and not worry so much about how specific parts of their body may or may not relate to their gender. Figure out what makes them feel hot, how they’d like you to appreciate their body, and get on with making them feel good and respected.
Have fun!
This one might seem obvious, but you should enjoy yourself! Sex is a wonderful activity, and you can’t really ask for more as long as everyone is having a good time. A lot of the responses I received had more to do with specific things some trans women find pleasurable, one person recommended using a magic wand style toy on the underside of a penis, another recommended using erection enhancement pills if you’ve discussed wanting a trans woman to penetrate you with her penis, and another recommended having excellent strap game. All of this is to say trans women want sex to be fun! So go out there, talk with the person you’re planning on being intimate with, and have a great time.
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